Miss Otis has some regrets
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Edith Piaf regretted nothing? She had to be lying and probably went to her grave regretting she ever said it.As for Paul Anka, who wrote %26quot;My Way%26quot; for Sinatra…that line, %26quot;I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption,%26quot; sounds as if he came through Canada Customs without his full booze allowance and has secretly been kicking himself ever since.Then there’s Cole Porter’s Miss Otis, who honestly regrets %26quot;she’s unable to lunch today, Madam.%26quot;This is the ultimate feel-bad song, the tragic tale of a woman who was clearly of some substance. The message ostensibly is delivered by a servant, who keeps throwing in those %26quot;Madams,%26quot; and she could afford a velvet gown with the optional built-in concealed holster. You didn’t find fripperies like that in the Sears-Roebuck catalogue.It seems that %26quot;last evening down in Lover’s Lane she strayed%26quot; and woke up very regretful indeed that %26quot;the man who had led her so far astray%26quot; had taken from her that which could not be replaced and dumped her. In this day and age, of course, hymen-restoration is routine surgery. No – as Edith Piaf would insist – regrets. Even without OHIP, it would have been within Miss Otis’s means.Instead, finding that her %26quot;dream of love was gone,%26quot; she sought him out, drew a gun from under that rather cleverly cut velvet gown and shot her lover down. So, lunch? Nah, you’re gonna have to make do with a sandwich, Madam.Because Miss Otis has no sooner been hauled off to jail than she’s hauled out again by a lynch mob. Mobs are so judgmental. Have they never strayed down Lover’s Lane, woken alone next day to find they weren’t as they had been and wanted to get even? I mean, really, guys, put yourself in her stylish and expensive shoes.But no, off they go to the %26quot;old willow across the way%26quot; and string Miss Otis up. %26quot;And the moment before she died, she lifted up her lovely head and cried, Madam, `Miss Otis regrets, she’s unable to lunch today.’%26quot;There can’t have been a dry eye in the whole rabble. Can’t you just hear their remorse: %26quot;Dang! We could at least have let her have a last meal with Madam before we meted out what passes for justice in these here parts. Oh well, let’s go find us a horse thief while we have the rope out.%26quot;There’s a message for all the baby boomers who supposedly have had too much choice in their lives and therefore too many consequent regrets.In reality, we can choose not to have regrets. Mistakes can be rectified, fences mended. Lose your virginity tonight, get it back tomorrow. Miss Otis, for whatever reason, bails on lunch? No one will look twice if you sit by yourself in Swiss Chalet, Madam. Get ditched by a lover, find a new one on Lavalife. Shoot him and there’s not a criminal lawyer in this city couldn’t have you out on bail pending a %26quot;diminished responsibility%26quot; plea-bargain that’ll get you off with community service. And no mob, bearing in mind the damages from a personal-injury suit, would dare lay a finger on you.Which only leaves %26quot;Madam.%26quot; We can only wonder whether she’d ever strayed down Lover’s Lane herself (think of all that lost lunch-time gossip!). And if, perhaps, she looked at the servant and thought, %26quot;He’s kinda cute. Hey, Jeeves, have you eaten? Wanna go somewhere less mob-infested for…a picnic?%26quot;We can only regret that Cole Porter didn’t choose to write a follow-up song. wtaylor@thestar.ca
